I'm not very fond of those lingering questions that just sit there and don't go anywhere. And if I do go looking for answers, I only end up with more questions, so it's better to just let the elephant in the room be.
Having cancer is a bitch. Having Stage 4 cancer is a real bitch, and having metastatic Stage 4 Melanoma is the Queen of all bitches, and it truly feels like she's never going to leave. Yes, my immunotherapy is working wonders, shrinking my tumors to practically nothing. No hot spots, no ugly growths and no new growth at all. In fact, I'm expected to go NED (no evidence of disease) before too long. Yet this does nothing to quiet my mind and all of the lingering fears because once you go Stage 4 Melanoma does it ever really all go away?
Because the immunotherapy I'm on is so new, there's no long-term data on, well, anything. It's all a big we don't know right now which really hurts because I know all too well just how god damn sneaky and nasty Melanoma can be because it hid out in my small intestine for 20 years without any symptoms to let me know that it was even there - bitch. So what the hell am I supposed to think? Do? Feel? Say? Write?
I'm just now realizing I'm in this for good. No where else to go. I surmise that the word cancer pops up in my thoughts/words/ideas/thinkings about every 10 seconds - no matter what the hell I do. It's always there it's always hanging out with me and it always has the last word. You may think that exercise and meditation and sports and golf and the ocean and the tangle of a child's hair would make this not so. But the damned truth is it is here to stay with me - every 10 seconds - no matter what.
This makes me so very, very sad - looking at that elephant in the room - with no words to say or no actions to have - just me and it - quietly waiting, and wondering, and praying.
