I'm having great difficulty coming to terms with where I am. I want to feel positive and glad for my remarkable progress, yet deep down I feel hollow because so many others are stuck in illness and pain. At my last visit to my oncologist I learned that only 30% of patients taking Keytruda (pembrolizumab) have any positive response at all, and within that 30% I'm having what they call a 'complete response', or the best response possible. "But what about those in the 70%?" I ask. "What are they doing?"
When I ask these questions the room gets quiet, again, and it stays quiet for a lot longer that it should. The nurse and my oncologist's assistant in the room stop making eye contact with everyone else, and I'm left watching Dr Daud on my own. I hear the words "hope" and "chemotherapy". Fuck. But I'm also told that Keytruda and peoples response to it (good or not so good) also helps drug research companies as they try to figure out what to do next. Ok. That's cool.
Yet my head is still stuck on all of those that I wait with for clinic on the 4th floor at 1600 Divisadero, and the ones that I sit with on the 5th floor as we get infusions. So very heartbreaking. I even keep my voice quiet and limit my conversations with the nurses while I'm getting my infusion. I am almost ashamed to say I'm doing so well. But they know I am. It's a very intimate and kind place, the infusion ward on the 5th floor, and the nurses all know. Of course they know. I'm coming up on 30 weeks of treatment and they've watched me the whole way - which is really special and I love them but I really just want to put on my headphones and sit silently as I get my poke and meds.
When I'm done 1600 is almost empty. The streets are dark and filled with rush hour. I leave the parking lot and drive over to my best friends house for dinner. Thank God for this because I couldn't handle being stuck alone in San Francisco rush hour traffic after 4 -6 hours in clinic. I need hot food and my friends and their kids's noise and a little wine and my wife's sweet texts asking if I'm ok and what happened and call me. Yea, that's good.
