This is The Day

Readjustment. That's the best word I can think of to explain how I feel every day, these days. I've gone from so many highs and lows and ups and downs it's a wonder I can still find the kitchen in the morning - but thank God I can, and do because I make a damn fine cup of coffee. But right now I have to readjust to the fact that even though my latest PET/CT scans show practically nothing - nada - there will never be any guarantees that my cancer won't come raging back someday soon, or someday later.

This is almost a maddening thing to be at peace with. I so want to just let it all be and live each day indulging and working and playing and everything, but that quiet little bitch will never go away and silently reminds me - every day - that she's still here, with me, and refuses to ever really and completely go away. This is so royally fucked. So what I didn't expect, although when you have stage 4 cancer you just always expect the worse, naturally.

I was well, got stage 4 cancer, went to UCSF, got some meds, am just about NED, and now feel like I'm back to being well but waiting for stage 4 to happen all over again. And people keep asking me "How I can stay so positive etc etc etc..." well I'm not really I just don't choose to let myself get run over by that big ass bus that keeps rounding every corner I take. I really am not doing well, but in a way I am doing really well - better than most - yet you must also understand that god damn little bitch still won't shut the fuck up, or go away, or.....

Peace just won't come to you, you really must carefully seek it out. I find it in my morning shaves, while using a razor that was new in 1932, and lather a shaving cream using a boar bristle brush, while finishing up with an aftershave my dad used to use. I also find while making a hot cup of coffee each morning, with whole beans I grind by hand and brew using one of two pour-over methods or a French press. I can also find peace at the golf course, at the driving range or on the putting green, relentlessly pursuing the perfect shot, or the perfect putt, or even the perfect round. There is also peace when I mow the lawn and pull the weeds and prune the trees and pick the blueberries and raspberries and even when I wash the dishes.

I also find a little peace when I write, too. Not much as writing is just fuel for every fire there is, but in an organized and compartmentalized way, writing feels like learning and moving and finding - all things that surprise and soothe me/us. So if you do read this and then you do see me, I hope you will see me differently now because everything is different and it always will be, and that's really ok.